PRIVACY POLICY
Welcome to the FDT Conglomerate Privacy Policy.
We value your privacy enormously. We value it so much that we have devoted several minutes to thinking about it.
Unfortunately, you are on the Internet.
Therefore, before proceeding, we feel ethically obligated to disclose the following shocking fact:
NOTHING IS REALLY PRIVATE.
There. We said it.
Your phone knows where you've been. Your browser remembers what you've searched for. Your grocery store knows you bought three frozen pizzas last Thursday. Somewhere, an algorithm has apparently concluded that you desperately need orthopedic shoes, a reverse mortgage, and a new air fryer.
And now you're worried about FDT Conglomerate?
That's adorable.
WHAT INFORMATION DO WE COLLECT?
Ideally?
None.
We have enough problems.
If our website technology automatically collects ordinary technical information necessary to operate the site—such as browser information, basic analytics, cookies, or similar technological doodads—we promise not to sit around headquarters whispering:
"Holy cow! Jim uses Safari!"
We have meetings for that.
COOKIES
Our attorneys tell us websites sometimes use cookies.
We were initially very excited.
Unfortunately, these are not chocolate chip cookies.
Website cookies are small pieces of data used by websites and browsers for various technical purposes.
If you don't like cookies, your browser probably has settings for controlling them.
If you don't like chocolate-chip cookies, we respectfully suggest that you are the one with the privacy problem.
DO WE SELL YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION?
No.
FDT Conglomerate currently consists of approximately one person, and frankly he has other things to do.
We are trying to run a global media empire, motion-picture studio, publishing company, artificial-intelligence laboratory, financial institution, energy company, aerospace program, consumer-products division, and whatever other company JAM35 invents before lunch.
Selling your browsing history simply isn't high on the agenda.
THIRD-PARTY SERVICES
Our website may eventually use services provided by other companies.
Those companies have their own privacy policies.
They probably contain approximately 14,000 words and were written by 37 attorneys trapped inside a conference room.
You should read them.
You won't.
But you should.
WHAT SHOULD YOU NEVER SEND US?
Passwords.
Social Security numbers.
Bank-account information.
Nuclear-launch codes.
The secret formula for Coca-Cola.
Anything beginning with:
"Please don't tell anyone this, but…"
We are a satire website. Please govern yourself accordingly.
If you email FDTConglomerate@gmail.com, we will receive your email.
This astonishing technological development means that information you voluntarily put into the email will be visible to us.
That's pretty much how email works.
CHILDREN'S PRIVACY
FDT Conglomerate is not intentionally designed to collect personal information from children.
Children should instead spend their time doing wholesome childhood activities such as playing outside, reading books, tormenting their siblings, and explaining new technology to their grandparents.
SECURITY
We will take reasonable measures appropriate for the website to protect information under our control.
Can we guarantee absolute security?
Of course not.
Neither can your bank, the federal government, your cellular provider, or that password you've been using since 1998.
You know the one.
Change it.
YOUR PRIVACY RIGHTS
Depending upon where you live, actual laws may provide you with certain privacy rights.
Those laws outrank this joke.
By quite a bit.
Where applicable, FDT Conglomerate will respect legally required privacy rights and requests.
See? We can be responsible adults when absolutely necessary.
THE OFFICIAL FDT INTERNET PRIVACY RULE
After exhaustive research, countless imaginary committee meetings, and absolutely no billable legal hours, FDT Conglomerate has developed the following comprehensive Internet privacy strategy:
If you absolutely, positively, unquestionably never want something to become public…
DON'T PUT IT ON THE INTERNET.
That includes Facebook.
That includes email.
That includes cloud storage.
That includes whatever social-media platform was invented between the time we wrote this sentence and the time you read it.
And yes, that includes sending it to FDT Conglomerate.
SO… GET OVER IT?
Pretty much.
But we mean that affectionately.
We're not saying privacy doesn't matter. It does.
We're saying that using the Internet while expecting perfect privacy is a little like walking through a rainstorm while demanding that individual raindrops respect your personal boundaries.
Use good judgment. Protect genuinely sensitive information. Use strong passwords. Think before clicking SEND.
Then enjoy the Internet.
Life is short.
CHANGES TO THIS POLICY
We may occasionally update this Privacy Policy.
If something important changes, we'll update this page.
If nothing important changes, we'll probably leave it alone because JAM35 has cartoons to make.
CONTACT OUR ENORMOUS LEGAL DEPARTMENT
Questions, concerns, complaints, subpoenas, philosophical objections, or strongly worded correspondence may be directed to:
FDT Conglomerate
Office of Privacy, Security & Other Things We Just Learned We Were Responsible For
FDTConglomerate@gmail.com
FINAL LEGAL NOTICE
FDT Conglomerate respects your privacy.
The Internet may have other plans.
Act accordingly.
FDT Conglomerate — Same Planet. Different Perspective.™